1. you can't steal what isnt art
2. all art is gay
3. 

what can you give someone you love when you have nothing to give

1-9-2025.1221pm. at hospital waiting to get EEG removed. the experiment is a failure. i havent had a short. im sitting in miserable lighting full of coffee but intrusive thoughts of fucking are protecting my mind. a thick shell of slow undulating lead coating my nerves. my heart thuds heavy qnd my limbs sit in wait. i am being crushed. im angry this is happening right now. im tired of the burden of sin. I'm in trouble. I'm going to fuck something up. I'm trying for damage control. escort in town Saturday. but will that help? or will it just amplify? think... testosterone protects me? or im just so dumb and focused that lights cant touch me? whats the mechanism here? the experiment is a failure. i can make my own EEG device. i can try for data another time on my own terms with my own tools. yes. 

yes, its's not working. i am sedated. i am sick. i am insane. i have to leave this world. there's no way into it. I'm so tired.

1-10: i knew years ago when i began trying to learn to use the english language so i could sit at the grown-up table with my boyfriend who wrote for the paper and had a literature degree and his best friend who wrote books and for rolling stone that i had better get a grip on english so i could wrangle my thoughts and feelings into shapes that the modern man would understand and not dismiss as insanity, because to be thought of as an insane person is a death sentence in this world. it's unfortunate that i failed to learn to use the english language and for myriad reasons am not mostly dismissed as being an insane person, chief among these reasons being my inability to communicate effectively, which i now know is a struggle i will always have, because i am autistic as fuck and literally disabled. So, that's fun. And now what?

I should try again to learn to use english, or any art, but i recoil at that idea, because art has parameters, writing has rules, the same feeding the same, all forever in the same rigid structures. They say you must learn the structures before you can break free of them but I don't know that's true. I am incapable of learning the structures! And I was not indoctrinated with them as a child. I was left to shape myself, from what little I found around. I am almost remembering now something Nate was always saying to me, something about this concept, something with the way i lived and thought and needing to transcend something or other, and I would counter that I don't even have the base of knowledge he's trying to get me to go beyond, so how could I? He comes from a different world that I do. He could not ever understand my life and my ways. He asked me to write about it but when I did he was angry at me. So that is why I will not write where he can see. I will only write here, for myself. I will not learn how to write. I reject the idea. It is a lot of reviving the ancient past and then trying to move forward to where I'm already at and then go beyond again. I am already here! Why is being natural so bad? I truly am an alien to this world. It is shocking but I have to laugh. Every single thing, I do not understand. Haha.

so what about when your beliefs are objectively functional? like i feel something is worthless because it is ruined, and people tell me no? alright--we all know i'm talking about myself here: i should not be alive, and i don't want to be alive, because my health is so terrible and my life has completely disintegrated over the past few years. so why do i have to keep living? why do people lie to me about it? it's objectively true that my tongue doesn't work anymore. it's objectively true i have no money and never will because i am unable to work becuase i'm so sick. i don't understand why people want to argue about this shit with me. i need to hurry up and just fucking do it, man. god damn.