January 13. 10PM. Left the ER without being admitted. Went in because I can't pee. Am not producing much urine at all. They used BladderScanTM machine on me, that was cute. Body has been like an itchy block of foam today. All the way through. Smushy, itchy, dry like wool. Jaime tells me the air is polluted and that's probably why. It may be some of it. But I think it's because my body is dying.

I am extremely frustrated with this dying body. I don't know what it wants. Is there anything I can do for it? Will it ever produce oils again? Will it get energy from food? Will it STOP ITCHING? It's very confusing because no one seems to know anything, and doctors run tests and whatever result they get back they say "it's normal". Why do they keep testing for things that are never abnormal ever? Why not test for something else? Why not LISTEN to me about WHAT IS HAPPENING ? MY EXPERIENCE?

The internet tells me maybe all the radiation is why I've gone into early menopause. So many possible reasons. I know in my heart it's because no one loved me. I am dying because I have failed to find the way to live. I failed and now, too late, looking backward, I know it was a lot because of being autistic. No one told me I was autistic. They just told me I was bad. So much pain and suffering could have been completely avoided. But I digress, slighty;

I can't tell what I feel in my body, feelings or emotions or sensations or what. I cannot identify them. It is very mysterious. It takes a long time to come into focus. I can tell my whole body feels like a piece of dirty wool right now. I can tell my jaw feels ripped from its hinge, and it's yanking down the sails, and the masts are cracking, and it's all going to the bottom of the sea. But why. What does it mean. what do the feelings mean. I've been so confused, so miseducated, from the very beginning, I don't know what words to use, let alone what to do about the feelings once i have named them. I have been trying to get help from a therapist for this but they don't understand what I'm saying. I am so sad when people don't understand what I'm saying.

I am glad I never had children. My genes have bene ruined by trauma and suffering. I regret that I was not able to succeed at living at the speed I would have liked. Thinking back, I simply couldn't manage to find the right opportunities, and I spent most of my time waiting for people who were never going to be worth a shit, and actually they fucked me up and hurt me a lot. Dave was okay though. My husband.

It is too sad to try to look at my life and puzzle out solutions. There is no solution to mortality. There is no solution to disfigurement. I have a few memories and I think of them often. Even if I was smart enough to figure this out, I wouldn't be able to, because I can't.

I really don't want to be alive anymore. It's miserable. It's just an escape room I can't escape. Unless I die, I guess.


.....

helloIt is January 3rd 2026. many bad events in 2025. braces destroyed skull and body tongue nerves etc. Nosferatu film lol. lovely boy led me on confused me destroyed my heart. drinking feb-oct. lipedema since winter. keto diet failure. gastroparesis. periods stopping. fat. bald. insane. sex organs vaporized. in Aug C swore he had a revelation and loved me and then broke my neck & went insane over CKs death. metals skyrocketed. JS left. M came back and let me down worse than ever. had to quit Hollywood because tongue no work now. big T in the WH. lost disability. dad promised $ then didn't pay. unbearable pain 24/7 in and on entire skull face neck arms spine everything. no hope no cure. skull smashed from within. why do i have to remain here. i want to rest, to die. 

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jan. 15 1am. ovulation ghost is making itself known. i feel the mild essence, the haunting, the whisper of erotic urges. I miss them. I miss being horny and depraved. I'm just so sad M disappeared. I'm sad he came back. I'm sad he's still not available. I'm sad it was never going to be anything. All these boys I met and tried my damndest to love and fuck the bejeezus out of and they never were good for it at all. I saw a movie today about Ann Lee who made the Shaker religion and utopian society. She lost her genitals, too. God took them away so she could be a saint. I've never seen such a thing in a film or any story at all.  I'm sad. I'm mourning still. I'm in the old world. I haven't found my new world yet. The ghost of ovulation is telling me to fuck. But my body is literally gone. It's not here anymore. There's just no way. Why don't people tell you this will happen? No one warned me about anything. I started to bleed on myself with no idea what was happening. I was sobbing and terrified. This also happened to me. What else is going to happen? Nothing, I hope. I need to be able to live. I need things to calm down so I can live. I am so lonely. I want to go where Josh is. I should go. I should pack this all up and get the fuck out of here. I don't think he wants me. Nobody does. Makes sense.
I guess now when I have the ghost of a boner but mostly an isolated feeling because I am a screaming sad ghost who cannot connect with humans I think of th emovie The Piano Teacher. I am not so depraved, it's not a literal comparison, there's just something about the excruciating isolation of it all. The horrendous pain of wanting to live and not being able to. Just being too fucked up. Like Genie the wolf girl. Like me. Movies where the woman kills herself. I can't handle this fat. I will starve myself again now. I think that's a good idea. Yes.

Why don't men understand that life is not forever? This nostalgic youth worship culture harms everyone. This country has fallen apart completely. It's the end of America. I wish I had been somewhere else. This life has been a gigantic waste. I am so tired and sad. How will I ever get things going again? Is it too late? I'm glad Sean is my friend again. I'm glad I have friends. I know they'll leave me especially since I'm ugly now and stupid. But I've got to hang in there. I should go to sleep. I only write when I'm in an anxiety spiral. I miss Collin. I miss sleeping in the hammock. I miss when my body wasn't tearing apart all over 24/7. I would cry so much when I lived with men because they didn't understand how short life was. They just fuck around forever and do not have conversations or make love or even participate in life. It was so painful. Life has really been mostly the agony of watching it all slip through my fingers. But I'll go to work on Friday and that will be something.
I wish I was not alone. I am so alone and will always be. 
Since M went to therapy he lost his demoniacal depraved perversions and became a standard arrogant jackoff. Yawn. Plus he doens't like slime, or working out. No bueno.