Today is July 1. it is hot out. i had planned to go to forest park this evening and afternoon but it is too hot and also my guts are in extreme pain because i never poop and i ate tuna and a salad.
today i woke up at 6am and i had awful coffee and got really angry then i got good coffee on the way to my eye dr appointment at OHSU. the eye appointment sucked and they didn't help with anything. they will not write me a referral to neuro opthamology even though that's the whole reason i ever came there and started going to eye doctors in 2017. i'm so frustrated and sad because i can't work at a job because of what LED lights do to my brain. i called crae oregon and left a message asking them to help me get a referral because if i don'tget help i can't work and if i can't work and the state just keeps sending me to these useless dr appointments what good is that? this is all a big waste of time and money and i'm relaly angry about it. i hope they call me back. Also i have an appointment at the Pain Clinic for my eyes. wtf. I went in there to pick up some forms in person they wanted me to do before my appointment but I'm not able to fill out the forms because the statements and question answer options have nothing to do with me and what i am experiencing. I do not have eye pain. That's not what it is about. I don't understand why no one can believe me that I have seizure like problems. I'm going to have to make a fucking video art project about it and then people will groan at me bceause why am i so full of myself to make such a project, but I AM NOT. I HATE having to try to explain my health problems endlessly. If someone would just LISTEN TO ME then i could STOP TRYIN TO SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!! >:(

then i went to the kartini clinic and paid $30 for a copy of my records which they will email me. then i was really really angry so i got a can of wine and drank it and then i felt drunk and sad and tired and bad and that's when i ate all the food and hurt myself. and i called my ex husband on the phone just to see how he is. he talked at me for over 2 hours. he's really interesting and competent. he doesn't say things that make me feel aggravated or like he's a moron because he isn't. so, that was alright. he had some ideas abou thow to fix the bad drains here so i can use the washing machine again. i'm going to try his ideas. i need to be able to wash my clothes.

i also worked on typing up a HEAD TO TOE HEALTH REPORT about myself to give to my new doctor. i hope she will help me understand and heal my body. i am so sick of being a cripple. i hate it everyday. 

it cooled off some so i did some lunges holding the 10lb weights which was cool but also it broke my left glute again and now i'm in so much pain all over again though i was already in so much pain from it and not able to shit since i rod the bike and ripped everything up. i wish someone would just fix it so i could do activities. it is relaly scary being in a sick broken body that can't be fixed because no one will help me fix it. and then my left trapezius neck area got so tight i couldn't breathe and i went blind on the left eye and there is a lot of pressue and pain in the left skull because there's a vein that gets smashed in there. i worry it will explode and kill me. so i did some dr. rowe exercises to try to mobilize the first rib. not sure it worked. but my muscles are thanking me for trying to do weight bearing exercises even though i hurt myself. i have to try to be alive. all winter i cried and got fat and i don't use my body at all. i've been SO SAD since i lost my job at the radio and since i have had to leave the theatre mostly. life is just endless boring. i am in hell forever. i want so much to be able to do something, to do anything, but i'm all crippled, and i can't get a job, and i don't know what i'm supposed to do when i'm so crippled my body can't do it. so i read books about andy kaufman. was this man a genius!? yes, probably he was.

then since my guts are all jammed up i took 900mg magnesium oxide so that's moving through the tubes i hope. i think my colon is folded shut. it feels horrible, nothing can get through. my abdomen is this big swollen disaster. i wish i was able to eat french fries but my legs will swell up and i'll scream and scream again. life is really hard these days. i continue to hope a doctor will help me with some solutions.
today should have been the start of my period if i still had periods on time or at all. i didn't have one last month either. so this is my second missed period, now, in a row/ever. but i'm only 39.

i read some of FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON and now it's cooler out i think i'll go for a walk. i don't want to go far because i'm worried/hoping the magnesium will hit my guts and i'll loose some prisoners so to speak. and i want to be at home, not shitting down my leg like an ultramarathonner haha. i drank a little water with salt in it, which tasted good. 

i try to believe i can be healthy again someday. i don't know how i can, now that my guts have shut down, and my uterus has shut down, and i can't eat anything except a little bit of salmon now and then. you would think medicine would have a way forward for me. i just don't know, man. i wish anybody knew, and that they'd tell me.

going to try that walk now. wish me luck/continence. hah --7pm

i'm back, it's past midnight. was too hot out, got drenched in sweat, miserable, body puffed up like a corpse, cried on the floor and felt very sorry for myself. then i lifted the weights a little and injured myself. i think i looked at things online and posted on forums and people liked that. listened to some of a podcast about how bones work. looked into getting a DEXA scan but you need a prescription from the doctor. i hate that. why can't i just order any test i want? you can get a DEXA scan but it won't do osteoporosis if you don't have a doctor's note for it. our healthcare system is fucking impossible. i try and try to take care of myself but no, i'm doing it wrong. okay.

i walked up to safeway for something to do and i ate a protein bar and bought some coffee and cream and then drank some of it. my guts are still inert, totally. my torso hurts so much, the whole thing feels like it is made of wood, like i am a tree that's rotten inside with iron hard bark. i tried to do some stretches. i'm having some tea now. i sure wish i had cycling hormones so that i could poop again and feel good.

i walked down to new seasons to get more walking in. the lights outside are so agonizing. i'm going to have to make a video to try to explain what it's like for me. it's really painful and also ugly. the sunswet was incredible but i couldn't appreciate it. my eyes feel bad from the eye doc earlier. he put lots of orange drops in there which are "numbing drops" whih means they hurt like hell. i guess the sensation of pain all over your eye makes you not notice the pain they inflict on your eye. i'm not sure. but my vision has a white cloud in the center since that.

i just know if i could get my jaw back on my neck would be OK and all my nerves would come back alive and i'd poop and feel alright. i wish i had never got braces on my teeth. i wish i had never done any of the mistakes i have done. i can't forgive myself. i am terrified of what i will do next. i am such an asshole. i hope i die. goodnnight. p.s. dethe psychologist sent my evaluation to the social security administration so the ball is rolling on that at least. if i can get money i will give a lot to josh for his rent and i will spend the rest on dental surgery i guess. it's going to cost so much just to keep me alive. it's not fair. it's not fair that i am so fucknig stupid and everyone around me just lets me do stupid things instead of advise me. on that note my ex husband talked to me for 2.5 hours today on the phone and told me how to fix things and what kind of electrolyte supplement he likes and etc etc. good guy. i don't regret marrying him. we were just too young.

july 3. not sure i'm doing a good job of this diary. slept and had many dreams. feeling exhausted and dried up. drank instant coffee and cream. eyes, mouth, so dry. guts inert. drank water. eating macadamias now for fat. so dry... feel dizzy an all around bad. agonized over this patient intake questionnaire for the last few hours, trying to interpret it, to make it applicable to me, to learn how to fill it out. this is a learning and intellectual disorder that i now know i have. so i can accept that i need help instead of hate myself for not understanding or being able to learn how to understand. so i asked for help from many places including random facebook comment sections which is absolutely not the way to find help but when you spend a lifetime asking for help from the designated places and don't get the help, you start to branch out, and just ask at random. isn't that funny? funny-sad. like if my parents would have answered my questions as a child instead of telling me "you're smart you'll figure it out" i could have been a totally different person today! -- the ceiling fans are grating on me with the souund. and i hear all the traffic and jets and sirens and stuff. should plug ears. talked to Amy on the phone and she was nice and helpeful. she's the best person i've met who helps me with anything. i can even ask her questions that aren't relatd to her field and she answers like an adult or friend should. very good for deescalating my feeling of being lost. my abdomen is really bloated and dead inside, very painful like an old dead stump that's been in a river for a long time, worn smooth, dense in a dead wood way though, not a live wood way. i miss having intestines that moved. it is certainly related to menopause but idk what to do about it. i don't want to take hormones. i hope the backup generator kicks on and i can be alive again in the guts. enough about that! this is supposed to be about what i do in a day like a schedule. its 1240pm. i am texting with josh. we talk a lot. we sanity check each other. most of my friendships are conversations where we share ideas and also take shelter in one anothers sanity because holy shit this world is bonkers. oops! tmi again. focus on what's happening. what's happening... i hear the fans and i hear a bird and the wobbling of the one fan and cars going by on the near streets and the far streets the up and the down streets. branches creaking. i feel abdominal pain. i am thinking of what next i need to do. i already did lots of phone calls to doctors. i will look at my phone and see what i need to do now. my phone really hurts my eyes so does this laptop screen. old technology doesn't hurt my eyes but everything new does. my neck and jaw are in pain. my ears inside are in pain. the tension all the way down my spine is why i can't poop. the muscles are tight like bowtrings. i don't know any way to fix this, i have tried many things over the past few days including THC which is a last resort for me. THC rub. i'm in so much pain, things are so tight and packed full, i can barely breathe. i cancelled work tonight because i am too unwell. i hate myself for being sick and unreliable. i wish i was not disabled or sick for various reasons and could work. i pushed through it valiantly most of my life and was able to achieve like 10% of what any normal person could easily but it cost me a lot and now i'm out to pasture unfortunately. i type faster when i am in pain, when i am being tortured. my mouth is burning now from the nuts i guess. i don't like to eat because it doesn't work. it doesn't make me feel different in any good way. it just makes my body feel more full and more pain. i'm glad i will be sueing the eating disorder clinic that didn't help me at all and harmed me for life. i wonder what is next. what will happen next? will i ever be okay? this is off the rails. this is not what a diary is supposed to be. i guess i'm still typing becaues i have to, to ignore the pain, and the emptiness. my empty failure of a life. i have always tried to look busy and be positive and helpful but the facts now are here and my life is empty, i am in poverty, i am sick, body ruined, alone, blah blah blah. so what now? i want to leave.

i need to go to AUSTRALIA