I thought maybe I should try to write about myself and my feelings and be totally honest about it  even though people find it all pretty convoluted. it's the very end of June now. impossible to do this through the phone. hate it.

I'm thinking now about what I'm going to do when I can't get social security money. If I can't get the money I'll have to just kill myself because things are getting so bad so fast and there's not any end to it in sight. I feel real sad hanging in there for so long when obviously nothing was ever going to work and I've just been raking myself over the coals or whatever. 2025 has been just awful. There was that shit with Sean and then I got fat and then my periods stopped. And my legs swelled up and turned lumpy. And my face continues to deteriorate, my skull shifting around. Just all this medical shit. Mainly because my jaw is destroyed and it's fucked all my nerves up bad.

Nobody I think really understands what I'm going through. I hope no one will pretend to be surprised when I finally end it all. I mean I've been talking about it for quite some time and asking for help and crying everyday. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't make my arm work. I can't make my eyes work differently than they do. I can't go back in time and get a diagnosis or parents who love me or whatever. It's such a a boring fucking story, to be a failure.


oh no . what if this really is reversed piberty. what if im 16 now and i never poop and im depressed and so on . this is awful. i need my intestines to work 

so i go outside to the car and i see all the plants that were beautiful my aunt brought me, native plants for my yard, and they're all dead in thepots because i couldnt plant them. why couldnt i plant them? because i don't know where to plant them, and it's very very hard to dig holes, because my arm is broken, and i don't have anyone to help me because they don't understnad why i can't do it when i look "healthy". and i don't have a hose to water the plants. i have a hose but it doesn't reach anywhere. and i won't remember to water them. and the ground is all full of bad plants already like blackberries. so i just couldn't do it. and i see them all dead in their pots everyday and i want to kill myself. i keep failing and failing and failing. everything is TOO HARD. i do not have the tools to do it. i know i'm supposed to be able to do it but i fucking can't and i can't explain why i can't any better than i've tried to do here. 1. dont know where to put them, 2. need to do a LOT of work to prep the soil, 3. can't do any work because my arm is broken. so how was i supposed to be able to do it?? :((((((

and CHRIST i am so upset, spiraling, miserable because even if iwrite all this even if i hadn't thrown all my journals away (which all said the same thing) people would not belive me. i don't know why not. why not believe i need the help i say i need. i need help not to give me fishing pole. i need the pole and to learn how to fish and a ride to the lake and someone to sit with so i don't forget how or get distracted or hurt myself. why is that so bad. why should everyone have to do everything alone? i think it's just america that is evil. i remember i went and saw the swifts fly into the chimeny and a little blond boy who forgot my name constantly but called me King and knighted me grabbed my hand. that felt good. it felt good to be part of a family. i never will get to be that. but i don't know why not. i have tried to be known to myself and to others but people do not like that.

i cannot stop trying. i have been in agony aware of myself even when alone because my body doesn't work right. for my entire life. i hope soon i learn i have some skills or are appreciated for some skills instead of being a mutant waste of resources. i can't explain how bad i feel. how guilty. it is so intense and it is so based in the facts of reality. aunt went out of her way to get me plants and i wasn't able to even plant them. i'm sorry. i'm just so sorry.

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The SSA forms asked me to fill in a too-small box with words explaining what do i do in a day. what do i do all day. what is my life like? it's hard to talk about. it's embarrassing. i think i've written some of it up here somewhere. about what happens. right now planes are going over and it's hurting me. and my guts are screaming also and tearing apart in a rough lettucey way. it is like lightning that flashes in the clouds and the air feels sharp. so what i have done lately/ i will tlel you now:
i was up late because at 10pm i drank magnesium soda because my guts don't move for weeks. i have to drink the soda now. i tihnk i'm really screwed up and need probiotics and antibiotics. so i was peeing out of my butt for some hours and then i laid down on the bathroom flor to sleep but i had to wake up every few minutes to go more. it's difficult because my butt is kinked shut, something in there has bent the hose, so only liquid can get through and it's very painful. everything inside me is swollen and hurts. anyway i did that all night but got some sleep and had dreams that were not good but not too bad but they had shitty interactive ad breaks in them and news clips with fox news shit. youtube is hurting my brain. while i was awake lastnight doing that i was reading reddit and posting helpful information for people. i was also reading about protein sparing modified fast diet which is what i need to do because mybody has too high of a fat percentage and i don't thin my gallbladder works but i'm supposed to be on this keto diet which is working well to control my leg fat inflammation so i don't have to scream nonstop about how much that hurts. it also keeps my eyes and mouth wet instead of dry and scratchy. so i have to do it.

this morning i wokr up and closed the windows that let the cool in over night. then i drank a little bit of water and i pooped more. then i ate a pint of rebel keto strawberry ice cream which was a mistake but it was cool and tasted good. i added salt to it for my hydration. it was a bad choice and i need ot never eat those again. then i went to check if anything was on cathode that i could zone out to. no there isn't so i watched last week tonight and learned about the BB Bill. then i went on bsky and looked at news and waht's going on in the world. then i felt guilt and grief about being disabled because i want to work and in the periods of my life when i've been able to work for a faew hours it felt so good. then i thought about what i have to do today and the answer is nothing because i can't do any house chores because the plumbing is broken. so i will just sip electrolyetes and try to stay alive. and then i felt bad about being disabled some more and thought about the SSA forms and decided to write this down and i will try to write about everything i do today.

i am probablyl going to look at the phone a lot because it's very lonelky to be sick. it also helps distract me from the pain in my guts. i will also probably watch youtubes about ailments and how to heal from them and inspiring stories of people who have healed themselves. i am not a dipshit though and i understand what is pseudoscience and what isn't. oh i just remembered i should get a water filter so i don't drink more Plastics from the tap water. 

i have to read THE WU TANG MANUAL because on wednesday i am working and RZA will be there.

i a thinking now about whether to get coffee because it might make me worse or it might make me better. theres no way to know. i need cofee for my brain which is addicted now. but sometimes its too much for mt brain. and i need it for my guts (i started dirnking it at 13 to poop) but it doesn't always work for my guts. i can't make coffee here because the beans i have are disgusting and also i always seem to make it wrong and it hurts not helps.

i'm feeling very sick now and dizzy and like i'll throw up from the light spots coming in from the tree leaves that are dancing all around. i am probably bery tired and dehydrated. i have to think like this all the time an d try to understand 1. what i am feeling and 2. what to do about it if i can do anything also 3. what to try after that doesn't help or makes it worse. this is my day every day makig these calls. there are so many hazards and injuries everyday it's probably not an unusual way i have to working through it it's just that there's so so so sos so much of it. iam being tortured all the time. car just went by and the fans are starting to grate better put earplugs in. fuck.

--i then went unconscious immediately and had a piece of a dream or vision:


country southern cooking show 'one eyed cookin' witha wheeeooooooo song sang by the hostess of the show she's wearing a blight blue square dance dress and has big white teeth and one giant eye (costume)

i am upright again now briefly but everything is spinning and pulsing/breathing. i don't feel good. i don't breathe very much myself because it isn't right. it's too confusing to move or to do anything while brething. most of my days i have spent as a teen just laying down breathing. and as in my 20s. just trying to breath and ge tmy guts to work and m muscles to stop having knots. walking around makes it worsen. i dont think anyone knew or cared about this about me as a teen. it was a very very hard time. i wish someone had helped me.....
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... okay so its 109 PM now. after the last bit i passed out hard and my insides hurt SO MUCH like everything in the whole left side of my trunk all the way up to my top of my head just crushing agony and pain. so i slept and had more dreams that were bad and boring but not really nightmares. i woke up and it's hot in here now but my thermometer died. i need an analogue thermometer and hygrometer! i like to take scientific measurements to see if they explain why i feel like shit. this helps my health anxiety and also helps me remember/understand since i can't seem to remember how to percieve my own needs.  i got a phone message from COMAGINE who is a business that was going to get me a support aide person to help with all my autism problems , was going to get my friend hired to do it since the last randomly chosen person they had me work with was really terrible and wanted me to break the law and also she was a spaz and also she said that i was violent and she felt unsave with me. so we don't work together anymore and i am leery of spending time being vulnerable/asking for help from any stranger. so i'll have to call them back because they said i can't get their services and hire my friend bceause i'm still enrolled at this other business. okay.

then i went to the fridge to try this cold brew i got yesterday with food stamps. so i poured it and it seemed okay. then i poured some cream and it has gone totally solid since yesterday. it doesn't smell bad or like anything but it is not correct or okay to use in the coffee so i had to go to starbuck sand get a coffee. i like wearing my glasses and hat, i feel like i'm wearing a mask, which is much better than my face. my face is ruined now and you can see how much pain i am in by it.

i am back now in the musty stuffy moldy house drinking my coffee which is Just Okay. i hope it will coordinate my intestinal motions. my body is like a giant knot most of the time and i don't know how to untie it so i just shake it or thrash it around and hope it comes loose. i feel sad and scared when i think about how maybe i didn't have to be this sick if i had had real medical care as a child, if anyone had listened to what i said and wanted help with instead of telling me i was evil and the worst thing to ever exist and a liar etc. if i was lying about all this i sure would have stopped. i would stop right now and forever because pretending to be sick really isn't funny and doesnt have any upsides for me. i guess i spend most of my day everyday being sick and feeling bad about being sick and having PTSD flashbacks and then walking myself back out of them and looking at inspirational garbage while still trying to be in touch with reality and objective about everything and myself which is of course very sad, a sad story. i want a different story. i'm trying hard. i don't know how to try harder. that's a recurring theme: i am giving it my full effort but i don't know how to try harder or smarter and no one around me will tell me.

i wish i could go to school forever. i think now i will watch some youtubes and learn some things to distract me from my pain and also from how helpless i am to escape the pain and how there is no hope or future for me because even typint that up makes my imagination crowded with big stacks of impossible or ruined possibilities. an enormous collection of failures. and every time i go somewhere i tell myself i can do it and it will be different this time but it never, ever is.

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i don't want to feel sorry for myself but i don't know what else to do. i don't know how to be proud of myself when i cannot do anything i would be proud of. i hate this life so much. it's so lonely and horrible.

it's july 1 now--i am trying to remember what i did the rest of yesterday. i can't remember. i think i watched john oliver maybe. i read some med journals about adenosine and the keto diet. i felt sick and sad. i slept on the floor and had many dreams and woke up 1 minute before my alarm.