i have earplugs in now. it was hard to get the earplugs. they were in my purse but i couldn't find it so i started cussing and saying "please just give me the earplugs" and dumped the purse and found them. outside is the sound of chainsaws and chipping a block away. it's very very loud. nextdoor behind Holly's there is a mexican mowing the dead and short lawn kicking up dust and debris. and snipping the blackberries growing over from my yard. the yard there makes me feel so sad. i wish it was a garden of natives and stuff. it's just a big patch of dead yellow. not even a single weed in it. and never a person or a cat. might as well be pavement.
i am crying because my abdomen hurts so much. and because i am reading a book now called THE LAST FIRE SEASON. a woman is talking about waking up at 4am to a lightning storm in norhtern california and her panic as she tries to pack a bag and expects to have to evacuate for fire. it's meant to appeal to my pathos. it has gotten my feelings involved. i thought i should try to write about what happens in a course of my day and how i feel and what i do that might look outlandish to other people, as an experiment in cataloguing what it's like to be autistic. i do not expect anyone woiuld like to read it, but it's for me, i guess, to use later, maybe. just data.
my birthday is coming up soon and on my birthday last year i had a sort of party that i ran out on because nate carson ordered me spicy food when i said NOT SPICY he instead got extra spicy as some kind of prank which badly physically hurt me and also emotionally hurt me so i just ran away. i don't understand why people are jerks. kyle was the ultimate jerk. i think about him every day because i am haunted by how terrible he was to me. how can someone just lie right to your face? it's absolutely disgusting. i hope i can get EMDR soon and erase him from my mind.