aug.17.saturday.2024. 1023AM

i am crying. i am drinking a grande pikes place with 3 raw sugar and extra soy i got from safeway. it was a difficult decision to go to safeway. i had about $4 credit left on my app to buy the coffee. it was already almost 10am. my morning has been runnig late. i woke up briefly around 4am to pee. when i peed there were dark slabs of something in the toilet. shed endometrium, probably. not much happenig in the vaginal canal. investigated with finger. blood on the tissue, bright blood, fron my urethra. concerning. painful. anyway i went to safeway to get my drink. i wandered the store and bought GREEN GOBBLER drain opener for 14$. i suspect it is lye. SDS says "Trade secret". fuck that. i hope it will work on the bathroom sink. i tried to snake it several times and can't get to whatever is wrong. it must be far down the line.

i have earplugs in now. it was hard to get the earplugs. they were in my purse but i couldn't find it so i started cussing and saying "please just give me the earplugs" and dumped the purse and found them. outside is the sound of chainsaws and chipping a block away. it's very very loud. nextdoor behind Holly's there is a mexican mowing the dead and short lawn kicking up dust and debris. and snipping the blackberries growing over from my yard. the yard there makes me feel so sad. i wish it was a garden of natives and stuff. it's just a big patch of dead yellow. not even a single weed in it. and never a person or a cat. might as well be pavement.

i am crying because my abdomen hurts so much. and because i am reading a book now called THE LAST FIRE SEASON. a woman is talking about waking up at 4am to a lightning storm in norhtern california and her panic as she tries to pack a bag and expects to have to evacuate for fire. it's meant to appeal to my pathos. it has gotten my feelings involved. i thought i should try to write about what happens in a course of my day and how i feel and what i do that might look outlandish to other people, as an experiment in cataloguing what it's like to be autistic. i do not expect anyone woiuld like to read it, but it's for me, i guess, to use later, maybe. just data.

my birthday is coming up soon and on my birthday last year i had a sort of party that i ran out on because nate carson ordered me spicy food when i said NOT SPICY he instead got extra spicy as some kind of prank which badly physically hurt me and also emotionally hurt me so i just ran away. i don't understand why people are jerks. kyle was the ultimate jerk. i think about him every day because i am haunted by how terrible he was to me. how can someone just lie right to your face? it's absolutely disgusting. i hope i can get EMDR soon and erase him from my mind.