what does it mean to me to be in a relationship. 

what makes me feel loved. 

to be in a (long term) relationship means that the two people are working together on working together. they want to be together and share their lives. this can mean living together. it can mean finances. hobbies. sex. cooking. activities. conversations. to be in a relationship means that the people have decided that they're going to work on doing these things with each other and getting good at doing these things with each other. rather than doing them alone or with someone else. indeed this is the most basic definition of a relationship. it is the way of relating between two beings. I guess my explanation takes it farther and defines it as an act. a pursuit that goes on. bread must be made again made anew every day.

what makes me feel loved is if someone wants to put the effort in to being my friend. to getting to know me and interacting with me. this is what makes me feel loved. being considerate of me and my needs. listening to me and remembering who I am. not getting mad at me. sticking by me.

I don't think these are very difficult or outlandish things to want from relationship or from love. they are the things I give and want to give. they are not difficult except when I've given them for so long and never been replenished.

I am very sad that Collin is opposed to these pursuits. not only is he against them, but he believes they are impossible. I don't see how I could ever have hoped to be with someone like that. I am really so stupid.


8-18-2025:
I am allowed to use tools. I am allowed to eat food. I am allowed to take care of myself even though if I take care of myself/my needs (hahahaha "needs" aren't real) I am automatically disqualified, automatically a failure and a disappointment. But how could she have spun straw to gold without Rumpelstiltskin? It would not have been possible.

Why do I believe I should not need anything? Is it because as a child when I needed anything I was not allowed to have it? I was punished for needing it?
Is it because I was never loved or held or fed?

I think the best way I can change this is to prioritize being anti anti-intellectual. Here is what I mean by that. I mean that it's fucking stupid not to use any advantage available to you. It is stupid not to eat healthy food. It is stupid not to wear a coat if you are cold. It is stupid to suffer. But now, oh, now I say that and in my mind here's how it goes: I pick the nice food, and he yells at me. I put on the coat, he tears it off me (this is called the cinderella dress moment, because of the stepsisters tearing apart the dress she made for herself). Why do people do this to me? I can take care of myself. I am capable. But people come and destroy it. They are so cruel to me and I don't know why. Everyone has done this. My stepmom and my dad. My cousin. My boyfriends. My husband didn't! He was the one person who loved me, who was on my team. I don't know why people did this to me. I could have been very successful if I wasn't abused and tortured. This is called The Queen's Zebra which is a story I made up before I knew I was autistic. It goes like this: Once upon a time someone brought the queen of england a zebra but she didn't know what it was or how to take care of it and also she was particularly stupid and didn't realize it was horse-like so she had the grooms feed it tobacco and raw meat and it was very angry and sick and it died. The end.

I was simultaneously celebrated and punished for being top of my class. Celebrated and punished by the same people, my parents. How dare I show off and do better than other students. Why am I such a failure. How come being the best is also somehow the wrong thing to do. How can a person win. What is right, what is wrong? HE DID NOT CARE ANYMORE!!! LIFE AND DEATH, THE SAME (Conan the Barbarian quote from when he becomes a gladiator). It's not okay. There has to be right and wrong, good and bad. I think it was good that I kept getting awards. People clapped for me and I was smart and I knew lots of facts. It wasn't bad. I was a good kid. You should not starve kids or lock them in rooms alone.

You should not let them wander outside and go into the old man across the street's house.

You should not encourage them to date 19 year old with diseases when they are 13. Wow I really hate how much my stepmom sent me off to be molested over and over. That's pretty fucked up!! wow and then blamed me. wowowowowowow