Feb 15 2026: Do I want to overcome these behaviors and attitudes? If I have something nice that someone wants, I need to give it to them. I am never ssafe from other people wanting or destroying my things. I cannot keep people away. I cannot protect anything. In the same way, I cannot protect myself. My person. I need ot make myself as unattractive and valueless as possible. Unfortunately this means I hate myself too, but it's the only way to stay safe. I am damaged to the point that I can never ben repaired. I have Lost most of my life to this kind of protection and abuse thing. I was raised to hate myself and to have no self-worth. To seek the approval and use by others. I don't know why I was raised that way, because that's super fucked up and gross. I am only even thinking about this as gross and needing to end or be undone because of marx and capital. My body is so destroyed, how can I feel any dignity? But that kind of thinking is how evil continues to win in the world. We have to rise up individually and collectively. I believe in throwing myself into the furnace for the collective good. For th eindividual good, I am not sure. I guess fucking up my face and all these things I have done to protect myself count as painful undertakings in pursuit of goodness for the individual (me). It just has been misguided? expensive? painful? It's worked pretty well though. Could ther have bene a bette rway? I don' tknow. I can't think beyond what I can think. I'm not dead yet. Am I ashamed I was treated poorly? Would I be so cruel to someone else who was in my shoes? Never. I would want to help them. Can I help myself? It is hard. It is hard because I have a disability where I can't tell what my feelngs are. And I have no help in understanding myself. There is no help available. I feel like the Memento guy. And outside things are changing always and so fast, I can't learn fast enough to keep up. I am exhausted always. There is no goal except to STOP DYING which is the only impossible goal. the other goal would be START LIVING which as mentioned is very difficult when there's no way to live and evil people will seek me out. Now that I am old and ugly hopefeully I am safer. No narcissists will prey upon me and steal my money and give me diseases. If I had just one person who cared about me as though I were their child, who just believed me and wanted to help me, that would have gone a long way. I don't think I'd be in this life now. But I have to stay alive to see my enemies fall. Yes.

feb21.2026 I believe this happened to me because no one loves me. No one has ever loved me and I was taught specifically not to love myself. If I had been loved or even liked from the beginning, I would not have tried so violently to change myself over and over to become normal and become something that could be loved. The destruction of this body has not been like in The velveteen rabbit. It has been the opposite. I'm scared because I still don't understand anything and it's almost time to die. I'm sad because no one else is having the same life that I am at all. I'm having a completely unique nightmare and no one can help me with it and no one believes me so how could they help or understand. My sister is gone now too. In the times of my life when I have been loved I have loved myself as well. I can never be loved now. I even burnt my eyes out on accident. I wasn't trying to ruin anything. I thought these things I was doing were good and safe ideas. So many people have positive outcomes from dentistry and from beauty products. I feel so fucking stupid. Apparently I don't know how to do anything right or how to make the right decisions. Even if all the evidence and everything I can find with my research says it's a good idea, it's probably not actually, and it's one of the worst ideas and it will ruin my life. How am I supposed to keep wanting to live if that's the way this works? Not just the terror of everything getting worse constantly but the agony of never healing and knowing that it's because of my own choices that this has happened. I wanted to know how to make good choices. I tried really hard to make good choices! I don't fucking understand! Why the fuck is this happening!!! Why can't anyone tell me!???? I guess because I have no parents then no one wants me and no one has ever given me guidance etc. and I don't think anyone I know now, my friends etc, understand my mental state. I don't know if it is some sort of delusional state maybe. It depends on your perspective I guess. From my perspective for over a year now there is no way up. I have nothing to do with this world anynore and I never will again. The longer I'm on this plane the more damage I will take. I see other people's lives and there are supposedly similarities such as our ages but we have such incompatible experiences. I feel so alone. It has been so exhausting to be so alone for 40 years. I'm crying really hard and it hurts so fucking bad because I burned my eye sockets. Anyway, this is clearly some sort of nightmare like Jacob's Ladder where I'm already dead but I'm just hanging on for some reason. If this was not a nightmare then I would have some autonomy to do something other than be tortured and die in pain. This is my point about the delusion I guess but I don't think it's very delusional because I've got a lot of evidence that my life is not a real life anymore. Everything I do is like this big made up story and I'm fucking sick of it. Like I went to the doctor today and she wanted to talk about my allergic reactions and I just don't fucking give a shit at all. Who is it that's having anaphylaxis? Does it matter if they die? I don't think so. I can't really die. Because I'm not alive. I'm just in a sort of hallucination torture chamber. Yeah I went to my dad's and got really sick. But it's just part of some fucking story it doesn't matter. There's no way to stop any of it. This is just another fucking bullshit garbage scam where I have to try to go to a doctor over and over and that's all my life has been for like a year it's just a fucking nightmare! As I continue to get worse! Because nobody exists who will fucking listen to me and help me! Wow this is a extremely focused piece of writing isn't it because I think the real reason that my life has been this way is because no one fucking wanted me to be here especially not me. Colin said I was his favorite person and then he fucking broke my arm and he broke all my clothes and he broke my neck and he broke my face over and over. I'm crying so fucking hard I wish it would stop. STOP!!!! I'm not fucking depressed though! Depression has fuck all to do with facts of material reality etc. I've got a real fucking problem. I got a bunch of real fucking problems. And because I tried to be a human about this whole thing and play the games I looked for answers to my problems from the places that humans say you should look for answers. But these people didn't give me answers they just completely fucking destroyed me they destroyed my body. And they made me really sad. I wish someone would have given me advice and help. I think my aunt tried to but it was too late. I don't think anyone will be sad when I die it will just be like okay see you later Gretta. But said in the way where they hope not to see me later and they're just sort of relieved I am leaving. The person that was Gretta has been dead for at least a couple of years. No one was able to help me not die. It was a doomed venture. I wish I had been able to do more of the good things that I really enjoyed doing but people decided that I was a bad person and not allowed to. I feel like when I talk about how normal it is that it's just time for me to die, people are bored or irritated by me. When you call the suicide hotline and you say this stuff to them they just give you canned responses. But these canned responses don't apply to my reality at all! Everyone is living in some kind of manufactured world that will fucking kill you and I let it kill me. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I regret everything. I really do. I hope that when I die I don't hate myself anymore because I will at least have done one good thing which was to stop existing. What I had wanted to do was help people and learn about their world. But that was not good for me. This world really hated me. And the people who said they loved me were actually just using me. I loved them but they did not love me at all. Sometimes I think I'm being pretty dramatic and silly with this but that again is just a certain perspective from a certain worldview which I don't have and I will never have and I don't want anything to do with ever again. The world that makes a judgment like that is the same world that fucking destroyed me. I need to leave this world before I do more righteous things. There's no point in it and people just fucking hate you. You can bring someone a fucking 6-ft Christmas tree on the bus and they just fucking hate you for it. Now that my looks are ruined I have absolutely no chance of anyone ever seeing value in me. No one will ever love me and that's okay I guess. I am garbage. I can take the trash out.

feb 27 2026. dr McNeal says im disassociating on account of the depression. it makes me feel even more alone to hear a thing like that. i tried explaining to her but she didnt understand, is what I'm hearing. not an unusual outcome at all, but a disappointment. For over a year my life has not been my life, and i have no hope. i think it makes sense i feel that way, because it aligns with the facts of my life at this time, and the larger narrative of my existence. i am not interested in going through the motions of being alive anymore. i have been mechanically going through the motions for several years now. i do not actually have hope. i am not actually interested in any of these possibilities or whatever. i am just doing whatever comes next because eventually i will die and it will be over. i do not feel empowered or able to change my circumstances. i have tried hard to change them many times over my life. when i try to make a move i get harmed badly. examples: eyes burnt, ortho fallout, all health stuff, losing lots of money trying to rent places, trying to pursue relationships and getting harmed, etc. people my entire life do not believe me and do not help me to avoid poor outcomes. if anything they get mad at me for being stupid. i cannot help it. i want to not be stupid. i do not know how. and i don't know if im stupid because i lack education or because im truly incapable of forming new folds in my brain. i know part of why im so stupid now is that noone loves me. people find it hard to believe that noone loves me but it is true. I'm not saying this because i think they should love me
 noone should ever love me. there is nothing lovable about me. it has all been destroyed. i have to go in the fire and go home with the black rabbit.