mo. aug12.2024 1153am
THE PHILOSOPHIZATION & INTERNALIZATION OF MY LLNESS AND SUFFERING BECAUSE AS A WOMAN* I AM DENIED ACTUAL MEDICAL CARE AND AM INSTEAD BLAMED FOR MY OWN TROUBLES BECAUSE I WAS BORN A WOMAN AND WILL DIE A WOMAN WHICH IS TO SAY LIKE THE SEA UNKNOWN ALBEIT PLUMBED AND MINED FOR FERTILE RICHES
* s.sontag wrote an excellent book on it
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TELLING THEM VERY PLAINLY, WHEN THEY DENY TO CONFIRM TO ME THAT THEY UNDERSTAND AND INSTEAD DO SOMETHING THAT INDICATES TO ME THEY IN FACT DID NOT UNDERSTAND, AND I HAVE NOT COMMUNICATED EFFECTIVELY, THEN I WILL REPHRASE WHAT I AM TRYING TO COMMUNICATE AND HOPE THEY CAN GRASP IT THEN. HOWEVER, THEY DO NOT. AND I FIND MYSELF GOING ON AND ON, EXPLAINING AND DEFINING AND LEARNING ENTIRELY NEW LEXICONS IN ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE WHO SIMPLY DOESN'T CARE. IT IS THEIR JOB TO HELP ME BUT THEY REFUSE TO HELP ME. AND I AM PATHOLOGIZED FOR THINKING THEY SHOULD TRY TO DO THEIR JOB.
chris burden shooting a plane
i have CPTSD from being treated as a nonhyman haha nonHUMAN funny typo terrible keyboard need a new keyboard
a womb to be extracted from. the idea that the environment is some ineert container like a jar that simply holds goodies we can take
i've beeen so gaslit for so long i sound insane and i know it. insanity in this case meaning that i've got too much to say at once and too much feeling about it. maximum quantity maximum force. and people don't like that if someone who is not a man does it. men are allowed to do it. but women are not. but i digress: if someone has been tortured for so long they will become somewhat unhinged and urgent in their behavior, their speech patterns, etc. it is called trauma. but its not really PTSD if the problem is ongoing.
i just saw online that women made a lot of videos go viral about how horrible it is to get an IUD and now maybe doctors are considering believing that it is painful to have your internal organs which are covered in nerves wrenched open and a chunk of metal jammed inside. i can't understand why it's not intuitive to know this. i don't understand all this sadism. what's it for? why have we got a world that pretends to be stupid or insane but is simply sadistic? i hope women keep shouting shit down forever. by women i mean any oppressed group. anyone who is suffering. band together and fight!!!!!!
as a child in school i got tired of doing my best and getting awards when i still got beat for it and wasn't allowed to leaave the room or eatt ffoood so what good was it to do good? what good was it. it was good in itself. it was the only way to be, good. i still feel that way. i try to be good because i'm just not creative enough i guess. i am supposed to invent bad or destructive or sneaky ideas and do them. i am supposed to plot. i am supposed to twirl my mustache and think of all the ways i can rape a teen goth while also providing enough stability and praise that i can retain her. i am not interested in that. i am not even interested in pretend lying to get a job. i will die honest, i guess. and the world will keep hurdling toward oblivion.
nate carson told me i should write because i have a unique perspective but when i did that he didn't like it at all. he disliked it so much that he wrote me a really mean letter and so i decided the best thing to do not to upset him anymore or his friends was to cut ties with all of them. i'm sorry this was the way it went. i don't understand how much or what sort of misery i'm supposed to let others inflict on me. was i supposed to forgive him for the mean letter? why? if that's how he really thinks then i think the best solution is to just have no connection. i wish i knew the rules about this, about how much it's supposed to hurt, and why, and all that. it doesn't seem fair that i'm supposed to take a lot more damage than other people. i think they're just lying to me so that i will let them hurt me, which is incomprehensible to me, because how is getting to hurt someone a reward ? why would anyone want to be allowed to hurt someone? why want to hurt someone? you couldn't pay me to hurt someone. to really hurt them. not like bdsm and they're paying me to hit them, though that also is too dark and it makes me feel ill for months afterward. like really hurt them. anyway, i get all spun out on that shit if i think about it. horrible world. horrible people!
i guess step one to becoming a feminist is to be a woman
i didn't choose to be one but i guess i am. the world sees me as one. it is the flavor of oppression i was assigned. and of course the extreme autism. which is overlooked because i have a slender white woman body.
HISTORY OF ABUSE
i'm always tortured by my senses & the explanations for my sensations provided by the people around me
romancing the stone and other films
aug.14. 2024:
my friend told me she loves the film ROMANCING THE STONE. when i watched it i felt sad. i wondered if the secret to being loved is to wear impractical shoes so that a man can save me from my shoes. can use his machete and chop off my impractical dedication to the civilized world. but also remove from my body the apparatus that shapes my body like a sexual trap. i felt sad. i feel sad when i watch most movies now because i know i'll never grow up to look or be like the people on the screen. i am already grown up and i have just become sort of scraggly and dirty. i don't think i'll condense into a beautiful old person. i was never attractive. i was never willing to wear impractical shoes to be saved from. i was never a human. i feel alll the time, my body feels like, a scrap of seaweed clinging on underwater, barely, to a piling, in the tides, being swept around and chewed on and hid in by fish and little crispy guys and worms and fuzzy moldy drips. i dunno, man. i have wanted more than anything my whole life to relate to human beings and have the human experience but the closest i have been able to come is to relate to stories written by humans about beings who wanted to be human or to have the human experience. i thought for a while maybe this meta analysis and desire to be human was the main things that made one human but it really isn't. being human means making noise for no reason and being mean to things that aren't the same as you.
learning i am autistic has explained away a lot of the confusing things about me. it said to me "yes, you're right: you're really not like other people and never will be" but that makes me feel pretty fucking sad. i guess the quest now is to keep listening to the sounds of wind and rocks and birds and to have really good friends for life who text me at 8am with lots of information about vintage staplers and offer to give me a stapler when i say i need one and they let me take the best stapler. i think that's wonderful. i'm still confused sometimes about ethics because every situation is so complicated and people have feelings and despite the efforts of the constructed systems of the world you will note it is "systems" which is plural which means there isn't a decided on known and implemented universal morality and i guess there never will be...And That's GoodTM. i did take an ethics class but i dropped out because we had to write essays and i never learned how to write. i still haven't learned how to write. i'm glad the internet doesn't count as writing. it's some in between thing. a stick in sand.
ANYWAY i was going to watch a movie on tubi but i got too depressed trying to make a selection and i meant to write here my feelings that leapt to the front when i saw each movie becaus ei thought having a written-ish record of that could help me to look at my own feelings and find patterns but what i know so far is i do not want any movies about love or about friendship or about characters or where people are there and they look good. it's okay if a character is alone and looks like shit. someone in a book review compleained that the girl in Island of the Blue Dolphins (the book) didn't do anything and there wasn't any plot and she didn't have any motivations. This made me sad. this reviewer has never been alive. they have never had to build a fire. they have never looked for food. they have never had to be gritty whatsoever. island of the blue dolphins is a fine grit story for cool weird girls who are traumatized. and then keep going. because life doesn't end. and you don't "go to therapy". you chop wood and carry water and instead of taking vengeance on the dog that killed your brother you turn the dog into your ally, because you are the only beings in the entire world. yes, this maybe is my favorite book. ok bye