who is this for? this is for me. why is this here? this is for me. i write and i feel men from my past tut-tutting me, frowning, fuming at me. fuck 'em. i cannot do right by anyone.  i no longer try. i am forty soon. i am for me. i have given enough. i have given everything. i sacrificed myself to the patriarchy and got nothing. barely alive. i've been saved. mother nature saved me from father time who ate at me. she turned me into a creature the bull would have no interest in. i can feel this body dying all around me, but in this body i will be able to penetrate the secrets, i will be able to pass by unseen. i will be able to work. nothing will gnaw on me again. i am free. it is hideous. the machine of this society. but i made it through the fires. my hair is singed, my body is blistered. velveteen rabbitized. free to be a bunny. free free free!

9-12:
Skull crushing, psychedelic world. Birthday lastnight. Everyone came to the film and was merry albeit sleepy. I too very tired, drinking all day, brain cooked. It's not right that so many people like me. It doesn't make sense and I can't handle it and I wish I could give the story of my life, the role of this character, over to some other actor. I can't do it anymore. I am so tired. If I was not crippled I could do it, but I can't now. Seeing that, the answer is obvious: Try to fix the injuries so I can have strength again. It's amazing to me I have friends who are women and they're older than I am. I have always been afraid of such people. I have been harmed so much in life by the middle-aged woman and now I am there and beyond. I am the monster, too. And a younger girl! A student from the college! Overwhelmed with excitement about coming to the event, just thrilled, gave me a big hug. It is hard to remember all the things people think I am, or what I mean to them. It is overwhelming. It has always been overwhelming and whenever something is overwhelming I want to undertand it but I can't because it is too large and alive. Shifting. It is like the ocean, which I will never seek to understand. I should have been a surfer. Then I would know how to do any of this.

I thought I had creative mind thi smorning but it seems I do not. I wanted to start to type here anyway because I deleted all the other social medias because I am 40 years old and younger women and weirdos and older women and weirdos are my friends. Even though I was fired from the radio station and from every place I'm glad that I made authentic connections with authentic humans who feel like aliens. now I am going to cry!!! damn haha

crying is ok. stay in the feeling. let the facts fight each other. the disconfirming experience of having a nice birthday get together vs the learned experience that birthdays are awful and everyone hates me. i love to throw parties. I wish I could throw parties all the time! I had a big party on my 16th birthday, i had already dropped out but I had my friends invite the whole school, like a John Hughes movie. Very fun. I hid in the garage and played the piano. what is it about me that I would accept as valid if someone liked? What reason could someone give to me that they like me that I would feel is valid and accept it? i don't think there is any reason they could give. I don't know what this means, I'm hitting a wall with it. No I hva ean idea: I think all that matters about me is my ability to make money. I need to make money. Making money is the only important thing in the world. This is a value I got from my dad who destroyed priceless works of art to break them down into money. I don't know why he does this. Maybe he thinks his ability to make money is the only reason someone would love him. 

People have only ever viewed or treated me like a resource. Now that I am old and crippled and have lost everything I have nothing to offer so it make me feel out of the game. I hae to think about who I want to be again now. It is so nice to be invited into the fun. Who am I? What are my values now? What do i believe? And how the FUCK can i live a life embodying those things when I am so crippled I can hardly stay sitting up?? This is what now I am asking myself. These are hard puzzles. I want to solve the puzzles. I told my therapist that I have to solve these puzzles and see what is left. The buddhists or somebodya says that you are what's left when everything else is gone. When everything seems gone, though, for me it still isn't gone. There are now all these mean ghosts of my exes who yell at me, and things like that. There are also injuries. I miss my pain. It's all different pains now and I don't know how to manage it. I miss the connection to my body I used to have, and the sensations I used to feel inside. I don't know if it will ever come back. I don't know anything about all that but I'm trying to learn. Is that who I want to be? Someone who learns about that kind of thing? I think so. Seems like an OK choice. One bummer thing about learning is that other people don't care to also know what you have learned. They don't want to know about discoveries or things you made. I guess that's why my dad just makes money. Money is the only thing people like to get from you, to know that you have.

I hope typing here will help my brain work in a better way than making ranting videos from my driver's seat or just crying and crying and crying. Maybe if people cannot see my face they will be more interested in my ideas. I think that's the point of writing. And it's how JFK won the election, they say. His face, his charisma. Goodthing he did too. Poor guy. I want to learn more about that era. I should. I should learn a lot of things. Why do I think that? Because I want to, is why. Noone is telling me I need to. I just want to know, so I can be a better person.

Hard to believe I am 40. It happened quickly. I feel resentment that I wasted my strong young years being harmed by men. I need to remember that and accept this gift of older age. An era where I am untroubled by men. An era where I can do what I want, if I can manage to allow myself to stop thinking I don't deserve to be alive. Maybe more than ever, now,I  DO deserve to be alive. I have walked through a fire, am still walking through. My hair is all singed and my flesh is melted. Oh I talked about this earlier. Well... it's something to think about. I need new visions. New concept of Self. I caled the trans lifeline yesterday asking them to help me find resources so I can tlak to someone about GENDER IDENTITY/DYSPHORIA. I have to find out why I hate my body and if I can overcome it mentally or with some chemicals or what I need to do. I need help. I cannot live in this body. The person on the line was I think AFAB/trans masc because they said they understood completely. Even if they were just saying that because it's their job I believe them. I never got to ask anyone or say how I felt about that before because people (men) say I am crazy. 

I just need to get better people in my life. I have better people in my life now. This is a disconfirming experience. I will continue to pursue disconfirming experiences even if I encounter 10:1 ratio of confirming experiences. My sample is skewed and bad. I need a wider sample. This is what the phD on youtube told me and she is very smart. I understand. It will be okay I just need more data points. Yes.