jan 8. 4am. too much pain. no alleviation. asthma. guts. ovary. leg. unbelievable pain. how to stop all the inflammation and pain. must abandon ship again. not enough sauna or blueberries or salmon. bad molecules. havent written in a while. gotta lotta wires on my cranium. talking with JHS about how I'll never date again on account of all my insurmountable problems and physical peculiarities. impossible to really look at myself and conclude i should even be alive let alone loved. i can have my perfect days. really burns me up that if od had medicine and knowledge earlier or even today it might be different. but LA is burning down and Justin Trudeau resigned and its flip flops weather and my point is its all pretty fucked and in the scheme of things what i cant do doesn't matter all that much. i can be in agony and i can write in the wee hours amd i can try to do nice things for others. hard to try when im in blinding pain that wakes me howling after an hour's rest. "it's not possible to live like this", my recurring mantra since forever. inside of me is mostly scars from having no medicine. it is horrible that i have chosen to continue to live. i don't have what it takes. it is an existence of dysfunction and misery. it will get worse forever until i am dead. maybe if i eat blueberries i will survive. the social security office is a few blocks from my dog's house. 3 bedroom mid century house. he will not find a wife. beyond all reason i loved him and he was just a shitty animal. he is always in my mind where i see him far away and he doesn't see me. when i was younger i dreamed a lot and I would wake up and try to draw my dreams but they were so small i could not draw them any larger they were the size of a dot on the paper up to as large as a tic tac. that's just the size they were. no way to get closer or see more on the paper. maybe just because i am not an artist. but sometimes i find the drawings and the experience of the dream leaps back into me when I see that scribbled dot. maybe that is magic. even if its been a decade it comes back alive. i think it sounds very crazy to say that but im not swept away and my reality is holding and i am not crazy i just have a fucking shitload of uncanny experiences which do not come from nowhere, do not come from noise in the system. they come from what is there. like the skeletons of things. you cant see it but you can feel it if you touch the body. i read they use sound to resonate bones for fractures. i understand. I do not put enough words here to explain to anyone. i am tired of words. my dog knew no words and i learned nothing from his words. i will be sad forever about the secrets his stinky dog breath had to tell and how little they meant. im rambling now. thats not what i meant. words don't goddamn mean anything! not these days! going nutso having bonded again with the cursed house and its dripping slats amd it's spongey bones. wow thats like. the worst erotica. amazing. a perfect flower has full male amd female organs. maybe this is the perfect house. i think i think a maelstrom of words can protect me. if i just make human sounds and wrap myself in layers of them the wildness can't rend me limb from limb. won't want to. brother bear, hello there! etc. but i mean to be mauled away by something left in this world that is real. something with hair on its chest. i am bad now, i am an abomination, i can't go back to the jungle and not because i ate all the apples but because the jungle should be protected from assholes like me. so maybe a tiger, then. maybe a disease. i just remembered i gave all my best books to thet bipolar bootlicker. sad. i have so many ideas. rhizomatic. its not adhd. i still remember all of them. just more join the party. and i need to paint rather than write. if i had more hands. if i had the right hands. a disease could come and rot my circuits. a disease from the jungle. from a deer tick. could fuse my wires. melt my guts. life ebbs away and i feel it going, the little bat licking at my bleeding ankle in the night. i am removed from life here in this old shack. no wet joses and no umami breath in my face in the morning. my body is dead and there's no way to live again. always i am circling back to this horror of being a has been. that reads better in german. das sein etc.i am 39 and finally i know everything i knew has always been true ive just been surrounded by demons, not humans. i should have gone back to the jungle. there must be a way back. maybe the fire in LA will have me. i just have to keep typing so i don't feel the pain that i have no way to decrease. the torment. even with torture the body eventually starts shutting nerves off. autism makes me capable of endless torture. violets are the only scent your nose wont get tired of. you can smell them all day and it's fresh and delightful. dear god if you won't stop the pain please at least let me be a masochist? amen. p.s. i will keep writing here but maybe I should move it to a different page actually
2025!!!!! castle freaks throwing ding-dongs at each other to wring wrongs in the new year! a wealth of ideas but i forget them. always forget them. my teeth are kicked out. lonely woman straps on antlers to lure men over the hills to their doom in the evil valley. learned today that mothman knows you're holding a chapstick. a lot of things have happened. saw my sister for the last time today. i want to hug her and feed her and buy her expensive socks. i eant to cry when i think of her. everything is stripped down. scraps of flesh on the bones, the partial skeleton. everything is disintegrating and I'm still not dead. i have to oet it play out. i have to turn back into sand and get all scrambled up by waves and crabs and never be a thing anymore. my teeth are painted stones half stuck in my mouth. i used to be so strong. there should not be orthodontists anywhere. i hope i get a job soon so i can be a workaholic and not know that i exist. i havent had a body for several years amd now i never will. just wet sand mingling with oil spills and cigarette butts and shreds of slimy plastic. the worst. the hardness gone to mush. the bending bone. huehuehue. hey! i used to have some kind of leg bone! i just remembered! it hasnt been cleaned. the bone itself was yellow and translucent. what happened to that!? weird. bones. no bones. no mouth. no voice. no arms. no legs. no meat. no books. just eyes that see as fast as a hawk's. nature videos make me infinitely sad now. fantasy, too. i cannot enter these worlds. i am an abomination now science fiction and horror. otto dix. moderan. thats where i can be. i regret everything .
I wish that my dog was here. he is too stupid to understand anguish. He cried once and it was because his brain was twisted up because he had too much cold brew coffee and his motorcycle kept breaking and he didn't know if he would ever be able to race again. But he did because he just bought a new motorcycle that works. so now he has no reason ever to cry. He has a healthy nose and shiny eyes and is a fucking moron. But I wish he was here so I could rub his belly and not be understood. I do not want to be around humans. I do not want to try to be human because I can't. But I cannot go outside either. My body is junk now and the animal s can't eat me except for maybe raccoons I guess or pigs.All the romance is gone from everything. everyone hates me and I don't know why. I don't know what I did. This is a help me paragraph. This is a woe is me paragraph. I wish that anyone one wanted to join in on my quests and my life instead of me always having to join someone else. But that is for another time to talk about. i miss being in love. I would even settle for having a boner. But I think the knowledge of death and the dearth of companionship and intimacy combining to endorse the act of suicide is quite natural at this age. It is logical.
there are two things I ever write. One is help me. The other is I love you. But I try never to write I love you anymore because people think it means help me even though it means i Love you as sappho loved you and all the shards of flowers breaths among etc. These are the two feelings that I have to express at any time. It is very simple. it is very artless I'll be honest I don't know what the fuck art is but I learned that you have to go to school and get certified to make it or else it's not capital A Art. everything is wrong. I am losing it. I am losing it all the time. I am not bonded with anyone. I am going soon to leave. there will be gold and silver coins. diamonds amd cash. This is all that means anything. I am only worth what money comes out. This is because of America. It is because of America. I want to leave America but I am not allowed to even set foot in the wood anymore. The animals turn away. My life has been a series of moral injuries. I have acted against my beliefs so many times. everything is a mess now. The lake will never be still again. Not while I still swim. It is a fantasy to worry that anyone won't be upset after a few days. It is a fantasy to think that I would matter after I have died when I did not matter when I lived. It is hard for people to console me because I am always right. facts are on my side. I have gone to so much therapy over the past couple of years trying to find any answer. I have done every therapy. i have troubled many listeners. at the end of altered States there in the hallway they embrace. That is all there is. That is the answer. I have always tried to do a good job but it is not possible when other people don't do their part. It is also not possible if I am being tortured while trying to work. I work very hard but it is not enough. My friends wish to to encourage me but they can't because they don't know the answers. they don't know why no one loves me. Don't know why this world is terrible. Don't know why humans are morons. Don't know the answers to anything. All I want in this world is me. I just want to be in this world but I can't. I have lost all human traits except the ability to weep and to mourn. there is no way out through weeping and mourning. how long have you gone without a job. how long have you been alone in a small room. for me it has been most of almost 40 years. That is a long time and it makes sense that my humanity would be very damaged. humanity matters to me very much. i am sorry i was not sufficient in anything i tried to do.
ruined holes is all there is now that my jaw has torn away. jist ruined holes on top and underneath and in between amd inside a lot of ruined hoses flopping and sagging amd tearing away. my spleen spawned a protege. Gertrude Stein called; she wants her porridge spoon back so she can slop gruel into her ruined holes. sorry haha gauche gauche gauche
unknown date, before dec.2024. before saint luigi:In France it's probably fine to be suicidal in a dispassionate way right like to just languish in a state of ennui isn't a sin? ive never been but I've seen their art and ive read their books and they basically invented being cool. in Japan there's plenty about the decision to die but it's harder and hotter blooded with heroics. i do not think America believes in death or life at all only the eternal machine, the grindstone grinding itself into dust. i dunno man. it's so fucking frustrating to be logically planning to be trying to do the right thing but the only right thing is to stop existing. I'm getting it together, finally, thank god. it's coming together. trying to solicit assistance, it is all the same. it goes the same: people do not listen to the problem, and do not help with ehat you need help with. they misunderstand. it's not that complicated. it confuses me so much, that people don't understand. and its a meme in our culture to scoff at people who say "noone understands". how strange and limiting. terrible dead culture. culture that was formed as a death cult. fuck this nation. won't even let Jesus die. obsessed with his resurrection because his death wasnt enough. madness. these people, this place. it's not me. all the philosophers are agreeable to me. all the art from places where people know how to live. deranged ranting here i guess. easier to write with a computer but it's put of reach. mot much to say thinking of sinking in the ocean the way the water feels thicker as it presses blackly in around you. my dog was very dense. he was the perfect meat. i could wear him around. my nerves were wrapped. i am flayed now and it is too sad and i can't get the human words for it. the cold brings it to mind. i am very cold and curl like a mummy in the corner, my skin shrinking up and my fingerbones poking out. it is not ideal . people do not understand. i guess i am just bad at explaining.so the dentist tells me that orthodontics will fix my bite so that my teeth will line up and my jaw will close right and I'll be able to chew and also look pretty. so I get orthodontics. they don't fix anything about my bite. My bite is worse. My jaw is injured. My neck is injured. nerves are being pinched which disabled my arms. This was all caused by the orthodontics. someone else tells me that the position of my teeth absolutely cannot affect the jaw joint. And yet orthodontic treatment is recommended for changing the jaw joint/tmd. The TMJ doctor tells me my jaw joint still works so that's good and they don't have to cut me up yet. He tells me to go get injections in my muscles and to go to physical therapy. so apparently physical therapy can change this problem back. I don't know why I'm even fucking typing this. I'm doing voice to text and it's so hard. And none of this matters. Just have to keep confirming it with myself because even though doctors are giving me the runaround or straight up gaslighting me and telling me that what is true is not true and what the x-rays show them isn't thereI have to stay strong because I know I'm not insane. I really used to think that things like blood tests and x-rays and scientific proof from machines and tests and stuff like that would make facts matter. But power is the only thing that matters and people with power just lie because they can. because they can ruin your life because they have the power because other people allow them to have the power and they respect them. it is madness.
BANNED FROM REDDIT AGAIN TODAY. T-day 2024. When I go to type something, it doens't seem worth writing. But speaking! Speaking, I can say any old thing. Speaking is the medium for jokes. Typing is slow. It allows conscious thought to seep in. There are cracks. Like epoxy it seeps in and sets. This conscientousness of the world, of the permanence of the written word. The psychology of writing down instead of ranting out, shouting at the hills. Truth emerging from her well with her giant pale thighs and little whippin' stick! But all I'm saying is; You can't fucking expect to make real friends or have truthful and satisfying relationshhips if you are "masking". Masking is a term people don't seem to understand. Unfortuantely I understand it very well because I am studious, widely read, philosophical, full of myself, etc. HAH! Masking is wearing a mask. A person consciously falsely presents a lie to society. They lie about who they are. They lie with their behavior. It is beyond manners and social customs. It creates confusion and suffering. It is pretending, it is lying, it is the opposite of vulnerability and true friendship. Anyway, I said that, in not so many words at all, on some autistic women's board, and my comments were deleted and I was banned. I was called ignorant, which really makes me feel sad for them, because I'm not ignorant whatsoever, and am speaking from nearly 4 decades of AGONIZING lived experience as someone who has suffered and found the way to stop suffering. Fuck em, though. Reddit is where stupid people go to have orgiastic arguments with other stupid people, and if you are actually wise or calm or helpful you are banned. I was banned for suggesting electrolytes exist and having the right balance of them in your body will stabilize the nervous system. I was banned for asking if my teeth will move back to where they were before orthodonics. Everyone is morons. EVERYONE IS MORONS
THIS ISN'T NEARLY AS FUNNY AS IT WAS IN THE VIDEO I MADE ABOUT IT WHERE I PUT ON MY BOOTS AND WALKED AROUND EATING A COOKIE BUT OH WELL. Also not as fun for me to make. I don't know about all this writing stuff. Not into it. Not a fan. The idea is flown, plucked, fallen, drowned. Icarus roast for T-Day hahaha! I miss my dog. Every few minutes that is what I think. THe moment is passed. The writing is over. BYE !!!! :(