it was not until recently that i became certain my life was drawing toward its end. the pain has grown exponentially and there is still no help. no employment, no friend, no home. i have not been able to outrun the lion. i am hanging in its jaws. i feel guilty. i don't know how i could have tried harder. i should have been allowed to die when i was born. i should never have been born. no one wanted me to exist. my life has been a joke and now i understand. i wish someone had told me sooner. shame on you all for letting an idiot live.
yes. Yes this is all what it comes back to time and time again. there is no way to make a good decision or make the right decision, because the entire endeavor is fucking stupid. I should not be alive! there is no way for my existence to justify itself. and every moment that I remain technically alive I am just making the world poorer. I have tried hard and am continuing to try hard to justify my existence. I am constantly doing this. I go to the student dental clinic so that the students can practice on me and thus I serve some purpose. I scan tickets at the theater and am so ugly and bad at it that people feel reassured of their value when they see me. they see me and they think God what an asshole at least I'm not her. My neighbor gives me cans and I'm sure she feels like a saint giving me these cans. I take the cans and return them for the money. I use the money to pay the bills so that the house is not a total blight. I am failing to be a useful part of society. I mean nothing to anyone. I go to the doctor and she tries to help me with my body. I feel like I am living two lives at least. there's the life that is true which is that I'm a useless wretched thing and then there's the narrative I'm trying to build where I'm trying hard to be healthyand be something greater than what I am even though it's impossible and I have proven that it is impossible by failing with my efforts for the last 40 years. it was impressed on me from pretty much the time of my birth that I was unwanted and a terrible thing. so I've tried to volunteer. I don't know what else I am supposed to do. I ask so many people and no one knows how life should be lived. whenwhen I talk about this people just get upset with me and angry. noone will tell me or help me. i find it exceptionally ccurious the way noone will tell me or help me and they just get angry. i wonder what THAT means. i really wonder. I hate that im this stupid. I wish someone would help me. I wish that I could get some answers and guidance. everyday that passes I am older and should know but still i am a stupid child and trapped in memories of being told i should know better. i still am stuck on puzzles and questions i had from a very young age. still none of it adds up. i am ashamed. i know i should have the answers by now. i haven't been able to figure out anything. and i havent been able to find someone wise to teach me. my fundamental understandimg of how society works and interpersonal communication and everything is, i fear, shaky at best and detrimentally flawed at worst. i really need an outaide voice of reason to help me sift it through and organize it. that voice is nowhere. and asking for help marks me as vulnerable and attracts bad people. i feel lost in the woods my entire life. the books I've read dont help. im worried theres something very wrong with me by now. for so long this has gone on. i am many miles off the path. i am confused and tired. my ability to communicate is breaking down and I do not know what that means, what it indicates. i feel I'm doing Olympics level mental gymnastics but likely i am not even moving, maybe drooling, maybe in a leotard at least. the burden of the past and needing the present to incorporate the past and hammer it into a history that looks good and suits and fits in the narrative is something i cant do. its something I could never do and struggle to see why its necessary at all. if we try to move slowly from what has already happened then how xan we ever hope for meaningful change soon? we cant. i want a huge change. i need it. the coherent narrative of my life was shattered and the fragments were stolen or eroded or just plain lost and it's all gone and all i have now are bomb shadow ghosts that i also don't have but i keep them in the garden of my mind and water them and look at them and coyote talks to his poop but the weather and the microbes will take the poop away after a while. who will tale my ghosts away? i was raised to understand there is no such thing as forgiveness for me. for everyone else there's endless grace. not for me. im on thin ice and im an abomination and the trouble with thin ice is you'll fall through if you grow or move or the sun heats up at all. it's not fair. i don't want to be alive anymore when I do not even have the option of being wgo u am. my body knows thjs. my body has given up as of May. periods stopped. digestion stopped. no sleep. ageing exponentially. speeding straight into the wall, sending my body crashed through the windshield and splat into heaven. im tired. im isolated. i feel so guilty. i need help. i ask for help. there is no help. goodnight