feb 23. I am supposed to pretend to care about things and just do arbitrary goals so that I look busy for the sake of others so that they won't be sad and they won't avoid me because they won't know that I'm getting my life in order to end it. That everything I do is just pretend. My whole life is an act just trying to act like a human that people will think seems sort of okay or alive or whatever. anyway, I say this, I say I'm supposed to pretend to care as though I'm about to begin doing it, but the joke is on you! because I have just been pretending to give a shit about things for most of my life! It's been really excruciating the last 2 years but I was at least in love with someone and admiring them and that was fun and kept me going. But now I know they don't want me to feel that way. I should not have got so close to them. I should not have fucked that up. I could have kept hoping and dreaming. Alas, I'm always feeling that anything that can be destroyed by the truth deserves to be. Put that on my Tombstone. they say to find what you love and let it kill you I guess I just love the truth and it's going to kill me it is always killing me it will kill all of us really. pretty basic thing to love. But I digress. My point is that I have no reason to live as trite as that sounds. I had a lot of reasons, I had shitloads of reasons and things I was doing and also things to look forward to, but it's all gone now and I don't have any more desires. my only desires are that the things I have always desired and perhaps had the Good Fortune to enjoy in the past, could be mine again. but things don't work that way! so I don't know. I guess I am just not keeping up the facade very well now that my last hope is gone. And I have to quit my job because of it.
2.18.2025: i have to figure out how i am supposed to pretend to be alive. i do not *want* to be alive. the conditions i need that would make me even tolerate being alive are not possible to acquire. self realization is completely put of the question. The only thing i can do now is either to die ASAP (best idea?) or to try to look busy until a time i can die more quietly/make it look like an accident. for that, i need someone to figure out for me how i am supposed to pretend. how i am to act. i ask for this help and counselors etc just get angry at me and say no no you can't do that. yes, i can, and have to. it is all there is now. it is all there is that im supposed to do and you arent helping me know how to do it. all people want from me is a lie and i don't know how to tell the lie. please just tell me how to tell the lie. i don't know how, or what it looks like. i hate all of this so much. please just tell me, give me a clue, and i'll try to act that way. give me advice, guide me, or ill end up getting advice from Jordan Peterson or some shit. please know the amswers and tell me!
Hey it's just about 4:00 a.m. on February 13th 2025. I can't sleep because I'm fucking dying. I know that's not very descriptive so let me explain. I feel too angry to explain because no one seems to believe me or understand me or want to help me even doctors and stuff. My body is dying. I think it's dying of old age. I looked in the mirror today and I noticed that I am not myself at all. I don't know if I'll ever be able to use my arms again or my tongue and mouth again. It really sucks because those are pretty important parts of your body. those got ruined by the orthodontist but other things are happening. other things have been dying. Like my genitals died a few years ago. And my hair all fell out about a year ago. And I'm in so much pain all the time and I'm so cold and I'm getting really fat which is gross as hell. I'm going to kill myself which is something that I'm glad I can write here because you can't write that anywhere and you can't talk to anyone about it because it just sets off alarms and all these doors slammed shutAnd then there's just robots that say the same phrases over and over. it's definitely not my first choice to have to kill myself but I've tried so much stuff! and no one is helping me. And I'm getting worse all the time. You can't really stop dying once it starts. You can't grow back your teeth. I don't know why my arms are ruined. I went to a physical therapist and they just said I don't have any problems because they're not listening to me. people not listening to me has made me completely insane lol. anyway I looked in the mirror and I'm too fucking ugly to even exist at all. it's really horrible. I'm all fucking mutilated and my teeth are ruined and there's nothing I can do about any of this apparently because I don't know who to ask for help anymore I keep asking everyone doctors and dentists and psychologists and everybody. it's really hard for me to believe that other people get help because I can't get any. But I'm very sad about all of my misfortunes and I can't imagine a way that anything could improve especially since I can't get any help. I have been homeless for many years now. And I have asked for help so much. I think being homeless probably makes you age really fast. I really regret getting braces on my teeth and I discourage anyone from doing it! Don't do it! anyway I just have to figure out the way to kill myself without leaving a big mess. That's all I have to do now. I hate it. I hate that I was not able to live my life and I hate that it has all been taken from me so fast. please live as much as you can because you could lose everything at any moment.
f.12
troubles endure. weak, shakey, barely okay. crying a lot. falling over a lot. sleeping for 10 min randomly. motor moving along but just barely. could stop it with a dried leaf in the gears. very unfortunate disability. wish there were anything for it other than love and stacking boxes. -- got a workbook randomly "consent culture". stupid! lost myself this morning thinking of cylinder physics, engines, explosions, water, agitation, permeability. playing woth machines in my mind helps me feel calm. it's a big trouble to love someone who doesn't love you back. it's drained the fire all out of me amd that's why the wheels run so weak. as strong as a butterfly's wings pumping. things are smaller than we are, and things are larger. i wonder if i can pay to just sleep once next to a cow. i just want to be warm and safe again for a minute. i miss my dog so many times a day. waking sleeping sitting eating watching tv. all the time. i hope i can find someone soon. i don't want it to be this way. I don't know how to try any harder to be loved.
feb.7.
troubles. the sensations stick. they don't fade away. same happens with the eyes with the lights. things get "stuck". my skin hurts, my nerves hurt, they are "stuck". this is probably why i don't let anyone touch me, (stimulate me); it feels bad and it gets stuck. incredible pain. how can i make it unstuck. how! i wish i knew better words, how to explain this, how to tell a doctor, what to do. i am always feeling very very many things. so much. and then more is added and it is too much. even a tiny bit. one peppercorn is too much. a feather touches me. a slight breeze. it's too much. it gets stuck. i don't know how better to explain! it is like a siren. it is so bad and it won't stop. it takes days to wear off. what is this called, how do i get someone to explain to me what it is and what to do? the only thing i know how to do is avoid being stimulated. i need to take better care of myself. immediately. i don't know how. i need it to stop stop stop stop stop it is horrible raw and painful pulsing and sanding and bad and not enjoyable at all. there must be a word for this. i'm not aroused. it doesn't feel good at all. i just want it to stop. i want to lay down between glaciers and be frozen. make it stop, crush me, crush it. make it stop. ... i need to learn more about how nerves work. through my own experience and notes. i'm in agony. i can't go to work. fuck.
Man I'm so tired of having a different body all the goddamn time it's just like dying or whatever and falling down like I'm in some kind of horror movie forever and there's nothing I can do about it and it's just exhausting! it's just so fucking exhausting how am I supposed to fucking do anything when everything keeps changing? howwww And things are getting crazier socially all the time and I'm just such a failure and but I literally don't know how to not be a failure because I don't know how!it's such a ridiculous situation! I need to go read that guy again. that real depressed guy. I'm glad that soon I'll get to take sort of a vacation anyway from trying to apply for money and stuff like that. Just giving up. hibernation. art. i dunno. I don't know anything. That's all I fucking say since about Middle School when I got into the habit of just chanting the words I don't know and hitting my head on walls. it's a real bummer that nobody tried to help me out when I was clearly real distressed. That's okay. some people did show up and they were predators and then there was just more predators forever I guess. What a bummer. it's such a weird bummer to learn that you are fucking stupid and you have been stupid your whole life and people have just been making fun of you. I'm covered in the big blood it just keeps showering down on me. But can I start the building on fire with my mind though? I mean I could just use matches
can i stop being stupid ?is it possible without my dog to stop being stupid
I am not allowed to go outside. I am too ugly to go outside. I do not have any clothes. I do not have any business being outside. or inside. or anywhere. But if I go outside it reminds me interacting with everything how much of an abomination I am. If I just lay here on the floor with my eyes closed I don't have to think about it as much. how much of an abomination I am. If I just lay here on the floor with my eyes closed I don't have to think about it as much. I used to have lots of places to go and things to see and people liked me I think.But that was then A long time ago. I am too stupid and ugly to go out in the woods. when I go out there I just want to die immediately. so I can go into the Earth and not have to keep pretending to be a person. I can't interact with animals because I have eaten too much of the rotten food of this world this human Garbage world. I have washed my hair so I deserve to be fucking miserable. I have taken antibiotics and I deserve to be dead. I have made only poor choices because that is the only choice that can be made. The best idea is to do nothing and to just live but I have died over and over and over and I can't come back because I'm so dead and you can't bring back things that are dead anyway. so I don't understand how I'm supposed to live at all. Like I'm existing I guess? I am doing that? but I'm not. because i have died and i was killed over and over and over and I do not understand what psychology and therapy is even for if its never able to understand what i am saying. What is so confusing about what I am trying to say. has no one ever felt this way? I find that so hard to believe because I've read books and people in books have lots of feelings and ideas. so what the fuck is happening! What is going on in this world where I struggle so hard to find a peer! Just one person please. I have to find a book of disquiet. I gave all my best books to that guy who turned out to be a psycho stalker. when I am trying to date someone or help someone I do everything for them that I can. because i am supposed to. because the only reason I'm allowed to be alive is if I can work. because I'm too old and ugly and crippled to be good for just goodness sake for just being a living thing. I'm not an animal anymore because I take medicine and I wear underwear. i hate being an abomination. I do not understand why people do not understand this. I think there is something very fucking wrong with white people maybe. maybe that is what's wrong with them. maybe that is why they don't have the answers. they smell so bad most of the time. I don't know what to do without my dog. I'm having a retard meltdown. pull it together. I have to go fill out a bunch of paperwork for the government. I think that the way my brain works and all the feelings and ideas I have are pretty great actually they just don't work now that my habitat has been destroyed and the rest of my species is extirpated. I used to have a book of extinct animals. now it is just me? is this really me?
??
i have so much trauma its all sort of mashed together now from tumbling around inside me for a so longm it's homogenized into something enormous and terrible. it is so much and every part of me is fucked up by it. is there a way out? is there a future beyond this? or am i just a bog body forever now? i wish i jad what i had. i need to meditate on what i have now and what i can do. the future. i have to just start a new life, without me in it. hmmmm bery difficult. thats why i was going ti be a monk. ill solve it tomorrow...
28.1.2025
I have a lot of poetry inside of me that is from you and I know no one wants to hear poems about themselves (men have mase this clear to me and also women) but that is fine its a secret i have to keep. i keep it! i cant say more. you will laugh at me
for a better version of all this please see herman hesse "elizabeth". lucky me.
j.25.2025
bro I'm so fuckin traumatized bro lol i cant even make it stop it's like i think of something and don't even allow myself to think of it because there's no point to let it come to the front because i have no weapons to fight it woth and im not supposed to talk about it and every therapist i try to talk to about it shuts me down like wtf bro its your fucking JOB to HELP ME bro brooooo bro look at this. look at how i have to talk. like a fucking bro, bro. comedy voice. to make it bearable. talk about myself and to myself in the language of a bro, bro. casual. strong. cool. bro! HWAET! i wait awake in my mead hall and listen for the monster i know calls (it is me). Beowulf is so good, bro. i lost my copy? no! -- i got a hypothesis: traumatized people go around talking about their trauma because they're looking for someone to help them. somebody's got to have a fucking response that does some good. If you dump some emotional shit on someone and you get a reaction that shakes you out of it and helps you move forward, That's the ideal! But why the fuck can't it happen for me!? how many fucking professionals do I have to see?? What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this grief??????? I've been telling people how I feelabout things I've been holding inside that concern them. I don't think it helps but it's definitely driving people away from me which is a relief. I feel fucking guilty for being so fucked up but I never wanted to be fucked up I just tried to do a good job! god damn. on Monday I'll go to the grave and yell at Mom a little. maybe she can tell me something even though I'm older than she ever was now and all she has to tell me is that it's better to be dead.
undated
why do i feel this way: that i should be something else, something conscious and constructed, instead of myself as i naturally am? what is that? its a burden. why do i have it? who did this? am I doing it? what if i stop trying to be good. then what will happen?
i reasonably think, based on ny research and the facts ive found, that being locked alone in an empty room most of the time when my brain was developing has made me a person who will never be capable of a lot of things, and my mind is always going to feel that absolute isolation, cold, hunger, emptiness are the standard conditions of life. i was just reading the Wikipedia of philosophies about morality of auicide and theres the classic Sisyphus stuff imagine Sisyphus happy. okay, well, imagine if Sisyphus had no life before the rock and never even had the rock he was born in a prison and kept in the prison alone with nothing for most of his life to the point that he became so damaged from the starving he could not manage to go outside of the prison or even eat food. like the POWs whose stomachs ruptured from post-war soup. that is how it is. i am so angry to have been born amd not allowed to live. i am angry like genie the wolf girl. i will stay here in this room so i don't bother anyone again. i could have had a different life but my dog died of worms. i think of him constantly and i am always alone. that's just how it is. im glad soon I will not feel anything again.
JANUAR 23.2025
I THINK SOMETIMES LIKE TODAY I'm really not confused and what I think really is true and all of my observations add up to exactly what I think they do and that's the only Truth and I can only work with that. I've got this real problem lately. it's a problem that comes up now and then. it's called Hope. I have all of my facts and all of my histories and I've got it all on paper in front of me. It adds up to something not so good. But I just sort of laugh at it and hope there's more that I can add, stuff I don't know yet, stuff That will give me A New perspective and make it all add up differently somehow. because if there is nothing else, if this is really how it is, if there are no secrets, then I'm really a big fuck up and every second I'm still alive is the most wrong decision and the biggest fucking waste of resources on the planet.
I was raised to understand everything through cost-benefit analysis, I guess. every time you take a shower penguins drop dead. why would you eat any food if you're not doing useful work. All kinds of shit like that that makes me so sad to say even though I know it's true. I don't think other people's existence is justified by how much work they do or if they deserve or don't deserve certain things. I think it only has to do with me. I am the only thing that is alive that does not deserve to be alive. I have always been deeply in the red but I have historically been able to do lots of work all the time to be helpful to other people and that sort of gave me a little bit of justification for being alive. I don't know if I can say if that's my point of view about it, But it seemed other people were glad I was alive, so I just kept doing the stuff. anyway, as you may know, I've been fired or banished or whatever from all the places where I was able to work. so even worse than being useless now I'm also worse than unwanted, I'm an enemy, i guess. It really fucking sucks to work so hard all the time for others and then they say you're an enemy and ruin your life in various ways. I would love to think it's my fault somehow but I haven't been able to figure out how it's my fault. What can I change about myself? is there any redemption Arc with any of this? And it seems there is not which is pretty perplexing.
All this to say, I don't want to try to interact with anyone or anything anymore. I'm just going to stay alone and read books and "go crazy" i guess. I already talked to myself all the time. I'm already completely swamped in fucking PTSD That I can't get any help with from any of the therapists I reach out to. It sounds nuts but I think everyone I've met is just unqualified to help me. which leads me to wonder if I even can be helped. I think it's all pretty too far gone now, and I'm real old and my hormones gave out a year or two ago, and I haven't got a job or a family or really anything to offer anybody, and that's why I've got to make this decision to isolate myself and then kill myself. And that's the thing I've been still sort of hoping for hope to come along that there's some other thing to do than just be an outcast and die. But nothing that gives me hope happens. Nothing I try at works. I'm so fucking tired of having to explain this to people, and here i am, typing it on the internet. I guess it just feels good to be able to say I'm going to fucking kill myself, And not have my phone blow up with warnings and get my posts deleted lol.
I'm pretty sure America is in favor of me dying anyway since I can't even fucking work and nobody wants to marry me. I'm completely fucking useless. It just sucks!!!! :(
JANUARY 21, 2025.
1. i wish i was not so hard to take care of. i wish i had not upset the balance. i will recalibrate. i will be alone. sleeping dogs will sleep again, that is how it works. the sleeping dogs that live in my body. under the table, under our legs, waking for scraps, angry when scraps stop, sleeping resigned again in the end.
2. the sun is shining and the world looks real good out there. it is a damn shame white men invent realities and impose them on the real world. MODERAN.
3. somehow, sometimes, when i come to type, i forget to talk about what i was going to talk about, whcih is what a miserable son of a bitch i am and how worthless my life has been and how determined i am to end my life now NOW NOWnow, and instead i start thinking about other things. maybe writing works like that. i wonder how people who can't write process their thoughts. they probably have other ways. no one can or will read this, it doesn't matter, but it's more fun that way, like stirring up leaves with a stick, leaving no real marks, no language, just rooting around, passing through.
4. my body felt the touches and generated the chemicals that told me i am not alone. this was not true. i must avoid these confusions. drugs are such a bummer. my ribs feel hot where the hand touched them. it was days ago. things move slow around here. glacial. i am alone, i am defective, that is how it is. my liver feels hot like a water bottle in my side. it's strange and sad to have ended up here. i don't know how i could have ended up differently. i wonder what will happen next. i hope i kill myself this year. i have delayed already much too long.
5. anyway, bye!